So, Buttocks is harder than a coffin nail and is becoming more self-righteous than a University Christian Union committee member at Easter.
Companionless
Since I last posted, I've not managed to take on a horse, nor have I got a new companion. There is a brown horse following me about - he seems to turn up whenever I fast travel somewhere. He gets stuck in, so I might start looking after him. He'll need a name. I was thinking Dipshit, because he keeps turning up even though I ignore him. Just like a Disphit. However, Disphit isn't a good enough name for a horse. If he's going to be mine, he's going to have to have a better name. Having said that, I don't think I want a horse stupid enough to attack a fucking Dragon, so Dipshit might have to go.
I've not had a chance to pick up another companion, and to be fair I'm not sure I would. They get in the way and would need to be a double hard bastard if they're going to charge in like I do. Buttocks drinks health potions like I drink Coke.
Buttocks Balowski
Like the landlord in The Young Ones, I'm one of those landlords who just pop in now and again. I dump off weapons that important people give me. I keep them just in case they want me to turn up to do a parade or a talk at a school. "Hello, kiddies. My name is Buttocks and I'm a righteous justice mother fucker. KISS MY AXE.". Not everywhere has given me a house, which is shit. If I sort out your shit, Jaal-King-Person, I want some fucking property. Sure, the sword of burning shit is nice but I want a fucking house.
Dragon Mashing
In my last update, I decided to go dragon hunting. And I tried - walked through loads of the mountain ranges looking for the Dragon places and found only one or two before I got sidetracked - helping some farm or other sort out their shit by killing someone or other. Not easy to find them - you have to get pretty close before it appears on the radar and if you miss a path, you might never find it. The map was fucking useless.
A better way is to ask Inn keepers for jobs - often they'll tell you about a Dragon harassing the town. That's typical Skyrim fucked up logic. You want to know where the Dragon's are? Ask a mage? No. Ask the top-man-of-local-city? No. Ask guards? No. Ask the fucking landlord, he clearly works for Skyrim MI5. Except it's the shitest homeland security ever penned because he tells everyone fucking everything. James Bond could work for them, in fairness, because everyone seems to fucking know who he is.
Slipped Halo Justice
Yeah, Buttocks knows all about justice. Justice with a massive, 2-handed hammer. However, I accidentally joined the thieves guild. Fucking thieving pikey bastards. I'd go in there and kill every single one of them EXCEPT THEY WON'T DIE. I tried. And then reloaded and tried harsh language before opening up but that didn't work. So I reloaded.
At some point, I must have chosen some reply that means I can't just butcher them and their friends. And anyone they've spoken to. To get rid of the sad quest of my list of quests, I'm now doing pissant non-Dragon-mashing tasks for a bunch of wankers and some daft bitch who think's she'd hard. She's not hard. Not as hard as my skull refactoring Elven Warhammer of BrainFace.
I also got thrown into jail for helping out a bunch of tossers I'd rather kill. At the time, I was utterly pissed off but it sorted itself out in the end - which is OK but having the blemish on my own personal record is annoying. Both these instances were me ending up on missin timelines I couldn't ignore or give up. And it's annoying. It was a storyline where you have to go to jail. Which is shit. I don't go to jail. Jail comes to me.
Mages can fuck right off
Mages... what a bunch of arsehats. It's like snowy knob-end convention, where everyone is in a inappropriately dressed in a nightshirt. Heavy armour doesn't suit everyone but at least wear some fur, you lunatics. In another pissant quest - one that you have to start just to complete a different (more noble in my brain-smashing way) quest - I ended up becoming the head of Mage's errrr, bunch. Which is about as much fun as watching troll shit. I'd rather lay waste to those knob-jockeys than help them.
The old guy is ok (even if his name is stupid) but everyone else is so far up their own arses, it's like a family of inbred Homo Mobius. I can't kill them all now because I've become their king or something. I'm not going to wear their stupid king-mage outfit for fucking sure. To Buttocks, magic has a single purpose: healing himself. If you use it for anything else, you're a wimp. That quest was funny. It's set up for people waving their hands around with magic and I wander in with a sodding great warhammer and they collectively unload into their undergarments. You can call youself a Master Mage of Lightning or some shit but you see heavy armoured Buttocks come running at you and you turn yourself inside out pretty fast and get renamed Master Mage of Shitting Oneself.
Factions
Elves Elves Elves. There hasn't been an Elf I've liked. In fact, I've reflex-mashed the faces of way more than I've held conversations with. Don't get leary with Buttocks if you're escorting someone at random across the frozen wastes, Mr Elfy. Mr Elfy going to get his leary face bulldozed by no-sense-of-humour Buttocks. Buttocks hates Elves and tried to kill the one in the Mages-Guild-Caslte-Academy-Jobbie-I-Became-King-Of, except he wouldn't die.
People keep nudgeing me onto a side between the Stormcloaks and the Imperials. When asked I reply "Not Elves" - except I can't in the options they give. It seems the Elves are on the Imperial side mostly, so I'm tempted to get xenophobic against them. EMW suggested that the Imperials are cockends - which they appear to be. They can't help being cock-ends, it's sort of their modus operandi. That's why the Imperial guards are generally quite sound because they're more worried about what the Dragonborn does when he meets the Greybeards or what people will think of them now they're not adventurers. However, with the Elves, it's bred into them. It's like a right of passage. I am sure there are some Elves who are born that just want to have a beer, shoot the breeze and get to know people as peers. They probably get ritually brutalised at 13. It's the Elven way.
Also Talos, the outlawed God, seems to have lived a life along my lines: Nord, proud, does Dragon shouting, has a fucking great weapon. The only difference is that he's got a load of statues everywhere but I haven't - yet.
Loaded
I have 55,000 gold pieces and loads in diamonds, necklaces, rings and other lightweight shit that I can't see fast enough. All the shop keepers that will accept this shit are so poor. I'm now at the state where I don't pick stuff up I can't use because selling what I am lugging about is hard enough. Beyond my armour, I travel light - just a couple of weapons and maybe a book to read if I want to go all Stringfellow Hawk and commune with owls on a mountaintop while playing the cello... hang on that gives me an idea.
Next
More ignoring the main story, getting rid of the thieves guild bollocks and I think I'll become a bard for a laugh. I've got a lute in my Whiterun house, I can totally be Bardy. I will sort out a horse too. But not like that.
Am I enjoing it
Yea, I think I am. I can even imagine running a fantasy campaign now.
Comments
I've been a little distracted by SWTOR which I should realy write my thoughts on at some point but sunday I felt like a change and fired skyrim up again.
I'm still impressed with how large the game is with loads of quests I've nto even touched and how little of the main storyline I've even looked into
I've been gradually working my way up the enchantment and smithing trees when I've not been out using destruction magic to set the world on fire
I've maxed enchantment and am close on smithing this means I can make legendary weapons and armor my annoying side kick lydia or the mule as I call her is decked out in a spioffing legenday enhanced up the ying yag set of ebony armor with custom ebony sword and bow that steal life and set things on fire (duel enchantment perk is great) I'm resplendent in glass armor that ups my magic and regen and protects me from all manner of elemental attacks.
I just unblocked the next armour set but came across a problem it's deadric armor which requires deadra hearts which are not in great supply. Suire I can use my dark magics to conjure a bad ass deadra lord to fight for me all that sword swinging is for the scruffy nords (whom I suport since the imperials tried to chop my head off the first moment I arrived despite not having done anything this is the last time I go on holiday using last minute) but they just vanish on death. Still I've found one source I just need to complete the theives guild to get at it.
I'm becoming a dab hand at dragon killing I took on two dragons at once and capped the two of them wiht my shouts and magic skills. I'm filling my chest of crafting materials full of dragon bones ready for the final smithing stage dragon armor.
I joined the dark brotherhood they had me kill one of three people I killed them all and set their shed on fire for good measure. I'm an overachiever.
I'm not very good at stealth I started off sneaking a lot but I didn't out any skills into it and so never kept up now I get ordered to kill someone quietly I end up charging in hands blazing. My latest set of spells are wall of flames wall of storms and wall of frost they create areas of the ground that burn/electrocute/freeze people they are not subtle when a whole room and most of the ceiling is on fire people tend to notice.
One issue I've found is one of economy I can take a load of fairly cheap or mined/havested metals and souls and turn them into the best armor in the land unfortunately unless I've blown a load of cash on a vendor noone can afford the awesome armour and weapons I can make. Most of the shops have a cap of 1k or so which is not enough for a lot of the stuff I can make these days.
Next I want to finish the theives guild so I can start outfitting lydia in deadric armour and weapons then maybe assassinate a few folks.
I think I might have made a small tactical error in my load out
Of the three leveling options I focused on magic juice to fuel my arsenal of world ending spells but in doing so my character is about as tough as a wet paper bag even with top of the line glass armor two hits from a high level archer and I'm taking a dirtnap.
Usually I use proxies to suck up this damage (lydia) and conjured or reanimated creatures to distract them while I unleash elemental death from afar then capture their souls to use in magic hat manufacturing but in some of the most recent fights I've been dying too much with the large hordes of enemy archers. Melee is usually not a problem they have to get close and so long as I see them coming they're usually a pile of ash on the floor before they can land a blow. Magic attacks are not that effective on my due to my magically enhanced footware proof against most elemental attacks and comfortable as well. It's just those damned archers I can lay then to rest but not before they've shot me a few times and my magical damage shield skills are some what lacking since i focused on damage.
It didn't used to be as much of a problem and so long as I remained on my toes and swiged a potion or used magic heal before I dropped I was fine now I don't have the time to take a potion if there is more than one archer I'm dead. It could be the level issue in that the enemies I'm facing are that much tougher at level 45
Still it's probably too late to change now my health and stamina are stuck on level 1 or 2 ish but my magic juice is level 40 odd I can kill of two dragons at once and most enemies just need to work on improving my shielding spells to counter the archers.
Change of tac fail
Well, I tried going light-armour-sneaky-beak-with-1-handed and my low skill levels mean that I get mashed pretty quickly. There was one kill-everything-mission that I tried 8 times with light armour and pretty good weapons and for the life of me I couldn't take the fuckers down. I tried in Heavy Armour + Warhammer and lo and behold I mash everything first time without necking potions.
I wonder if re-skilling is possible after a certain point?
Meet Rainbowklunge
I bought a new horse. I call her Rainbowklunge. Apparently she's a 'grey' (according to the Mrs) but I reckon that's just the Mrs telling me what fucking colour it is. Thanks dear, I have eyes. I call it Skyrimcamo.
I've recently come across a problem while riding about the lands and that is that Rainbowklunge fucks off if she's taking too much heat. Now, that's ok. I'm happy with her stepping aside while I mash some shit up. However, it's impossible to find the fucking mere after I've finished with the giants/dragon/whatever. I get round it by fast travelling to the nearest cave, where she'll pop up but I don't like fast travelling.