This post is as much for me and Felix as it is for you chaps. It's a record, reminder and a way to make sense of everything that's going on. I've been incognito for some time now and I hope to explain everything during the course of this post.

That's what fatherhood is. It's a challenge. It's not a blessing from god. It's not a divine right that every man should aspire to. It's not something you just do because you got to thirty and it's time to make sure there are more people on this world with your values than the right wing lunatics or the religious nuts. It's not a way of appeasing the biological clock of the better half, who may claim she doesn't want children yet but has that look whenever she picks up someone else's baby. It's not a right of passage for the middle classes. It's not a member's club that makes you ever so aloof and better than those who choose not to. It's not a weight around your neck - an eternal burden. It's not a way of fixing a marriage. It's a challenge and the most full on one I have ever attempted.

It's no my first challenge either. At school, weak and unfit I looked my own fear in the face and went mountain walking in Southern Spain. I've gone toe-to-toe for 8 hours with an Oxford Professor to convince him my shitty thesis draft was not representative of the research. I've survived a crash investigation tribunal, which by matter of course tried to convince me that I was negligent when I smashed up one of Her Majesty's aircraft. I've led inner city kids up mountains. I've convinced a Muslim father that his son actually had a drug problem and needed help - not discipline and faith. Not every challenge has been a success but it was a challenge.

Offspring #01

Attributes

He's four months old now, weighs more than a stone and comfortably fits into clothing meant for 6-9 months year old. He's still not got much hair but what is there is flaxen. Eyes are blue still and will probably stay that colour. He destroys 7-9 nappies a day and breast feeds for 20 minutes every three hours. Having a liquid diet means that only 5% of nappies are execrement. Last time I measured him (a week ago), he was 66cm long, with a head circumference of of 42cm and an inside leg of 20cm. He no longer fits in the main oven.

Motor

Motor skills improve on a daily basis, he now likes to jam both hands into his mouth (and anything else he grips). He can support his own head when sitting up and can pull himself upright from an angle of about 40% from the vertical. Endless vomitting milk has been replaced by dribbling. He tracks objects in a saccading manner, as head control is still quite wobbly. He is trying to roll himself over by cocking one leg and leaving the other straight. Not quite managed that, though.

Deviant Wheel

Last Friday we managed to get Felix to giggle for the first time and smiles when you make any silly high pitched noise or pull a face. When he's crying you can quiet him down by speaking in a deep voice (a Winston Churchill impression works for me). He's the first person in the world to adore my guitar playing without reservation. He likes fiddly stuff like Rage Against the Machine and the odd bit of Muse I know. He's less keen on the sharp pluck of the banjo.

The Challenge

The Challenge involved with fatherhood is an emotional and physical one.

I'm going to avoid cliches about bonding and heart strings because I don't think they accurately portray the feelings you get. The feelings are not unique to fatherhood nor are they more intense than the feelings you get elsewhere. What makes it different is that its relentless intensity. I'm going to try and break them up and compare them to more common feelings, emotions and occurences.

Joy

When you finally score with a girl you've been mooning over for ages. After you realise you've succeeded, the grin pinned to your face almost hurts. Or when you find out you aced an exam and go a ridiculously high mark - your heart jumps, you feel giddy and you just want to run around shouting "SCREW YOU WORLD, I'M BRILLIANT!". (Slightly obscure) when you've spent an hour trying to teach an ill-co-ordinated teenager to land an aircraft in such a way that it may be used again and they finally "get it". Then repeat it.

This kind of joy is triggered by smiles, little giggles or talking with a stern face. You find yourself grinning just because he's blowing spit laden raspberries at you. It's daft and illogical but it feels great.

Dispair

Being dumped by someone you loved and had no idea she didn't care as much. Your heart sinks, face falls, energy drains through your arms and fingers. Any movement is difficult. Or when you are made redundant having given your life and soul to the company. There isn't any will to go on and uncertainty clouds everything.

Dispair normally arrives in the dead of night when he just won't sleep. You put him to bed at 8, then again at 11 and then at 1,3 and at 5 O'clock, you're resigned to the fact you've not slept and nothing you do seems to makes any difference. Leave him to cry or pick up him and cuddle? Neither seem to work.

Dispair is one of those emotions that is worst affected by fatigue. Your ability to clearly ascertain the cause or have an idea about how to do things differently dwindles.

Anger

When someone at work continually pushes your buttons over and over and over and over. Each action small but when taken as the compound series, yuo become furious. Or an injustice outside of your control - such as the weather setting you back months of hard work.

Anger is the difficult one to deal with as babies aren't really doing anything on purpose. It's not their fault they're crying at an ear shattering (and I mean PAINFUL) level right in your face. They're not doing it on purpose.

Anxiety

There is a constant fear for the child's life. It's the only one I can't think of a parallel for. When he cries, you're terrified you're killing him and when he's quiet, you're wondering if he's dead. Constant re-evaluation of anything you do is very stessful. In periods of little change (or stability), where Felix isn't doing anything particularly new, Anxiety dimishes. That's where you feel like you're actually doing a good job, when the boy is being predictable.

Contentment

It would be fair to say that I am a life-fidget. I have to be doing something. I watch very little TV - mostly just The Big Bang Theory (which Kate is convinced is actually a documentary and I'm Sheldon - really I'm Leonard - I'm the geek with the gorgeous and yet thick partner), QI and the odd documentary. I have to be creating something or playing a game (which is creating a story in my own head). I'm never contented really, in The West Wing fashion, I want to know what's next.

That's all gone to shit, now. Most evenings I can burn an hour once I get in from work pulling faces at Felix and trying to make him laugh. Or playing songs on the guitar or watching him shuffle about in the door bouncer. He has time burning powers of Civilisation or an evening of L4D gaming. He now grips you when you pick him up - it goes to prove that there is a bond now. Unbreakable.

It's not just me

Kate definitely has the more difficult task and undestandably has been feeling the strain. Weekend before last I was forced to call 999 because I could not rouse her - even though Felix was crying his face off. Pretty scarey stuff. She's been to the Doctor and it's down to exhaustion and being utterly overwhelmed. So Anna (Kate's sis) came to live with us for nearly a week to help Kate cope during the day. It was a big help and we're now back on an even keel.

Temporal

Babies change at a huge rate and some patterns of behaviour are cyclical. For a while, Felix would sleep for 8 or 9 hours a night. Lovely. Now he'll sleep 3 hours at a time. He might go back to sleeping through the night, he might not. Some days he's happy all day. Other days, he cries and cries and cries and then falls asleep. He gets really hot when he cries too.

Focussing on fun

My spare time is sporadic. I have an hour here, an hour there. Not much contiguous time at all. Kate and I are nearly at the point we can start doing stuff again and we might host a game day or two. After all, we have the room. Week night evenings are still shot to crap, which irks me no end. Just one evening a week off. I think I might be able to pop out for a beer at the turks - as long as I'm back home at 8ish for the evening scramble. A sort of after work quickie with friends rather than work colleagues. I am finding 3D modeling a good relaxer - I can't really throw an evening down to gaming like I used to. Fortunately, this will get better as my outlaws return and Kate has some company for the evening. If only Felix would go to sleep at 7pm like his peers, it would not be a problem!

So, that's all for now. Sorry if I've been a bit quiet - as you can read, changes are pretty epic!